mixxedemotions

I posted this on my tumblr, but it’s worth reposting. Another update on how I feel about my love life and love in general

Where are you now?
I’m trying to get by
With never knowing at all

What is the chance…
Of finding you out there?
Or do I have to wait forever?

“Where Are You Now?” - Michelle Branch

It feels weird having my heart feel so…free.

One of my first entries (“Key to My Heart”) when I started writing in this blog again was about how the key to my heart didn’t belong to anyone but me. In reality, the key still belonged to someone else. In fact, it was with more than one person. But regardless of how many people had the key to my heart, nobody wanted it.

I’m writing this entry now because I’ve found closure. Not all the closure that I wanted, but enough to make me feel better. At least one friendship that I thought was lost still exists. It may not be the same as before, but I’m content with where it’s at now. There is one person that I would still like to talk to and find closure with. But I think I’ve accepted the way things are at the moment and don’t mind waiting for the right time to discuss things. In fact, as time goes on, the need to actually have that discussion is less of a priority to me.

As far as the key to my heart, I’m not sure I want it to belong to just me like I said in my old post. Someone else has the key to my heart, but I haven’t found that person yet. That’s why I quoted Michelle Branch’s lyrics at the beginning of this post. I’ve grown so much this past year. And I’ve done it on my own. Of course, I’ve had friends and family, but I’ve become so much more independent and my self-confidence has improved greatly. Even though I can be strong on my own now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t mind being alone.

I want to find that special someone. I miss having a significant other. And I miss being cared about in that way.

I can’t wait to meet that person. Or if I’ve met them already, I can’t wait for us to realize that we’ve already found each other.

Actually, I can wait. But there are times when I feel impatient. Everything is so unpredictable right now. And without liking anyone specifically, it’s difficult to say what will happen in the future. And it’s difficult to say how soon or far in the future it will be when I do find him.

I miss being in love. They say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I want to love and be loved again.

So I didn’t want to update for the longest time, because the last post still sums up how I feel. The postcard said:

I wish I had the courage to walk up to you at graduation and say, “Good luck, I love you, and I’ll miss you everyday.” Please don’t forget me.

I thought I would have cried a lot over the past week just from being nostalgic. But I really haven’t cried. And I think it’s because it hasn’t really hit me. Or part of me still doesn’t want to believe that it’s almost over. I’ll still be here in the summer and an extra quarter. But it won’t be the same.

This year has been so fun and so memorable. And i’m grateful for that. But that makes it even harder to accept the fact that graduation is this week.

I have a 30-second speech at Pilipino Graduation, but I can only thank so many people. I won’t be able to thank everyone that I want to thank. And even then, I always have the feeling that a lot of my friendships mean more to me than they do to the other person, so I never really know how to show my appreciation.

I’m still debating on whether or not I want to write letters or do something special for the people that I really want to thank. I don’t know if I have time to do it by this week. And if I do it after this week, I feel like the timing won’t be right anymore.

What’s so different about graduating now and graduating from high school? My group of friends was small enough from high school that I knew I wouldn’t really be saying goodbye. This time, everyone’s going to go back to their respective hometowns. I don’t know when I’ll see them again. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to keep in touch, but things will still be different. And I know that things happen for a reason and friendships that are meant to last will last. But it’s still weird knowing that this is the last week that I’ll for sure see some people.

And it’s finals week too, so last week was actually the last regular week. And even though I’ve been taking pictures and everything, I think I’m just going through the motions without my emotions really coming through.

Accidentally came across this thread on PostSecret Community

What’s Keeping You From Dating?

This is another one of those things that I put off writing about. I found this in December. I randomly decided to look at the threads in the PostSecret forum and the title caught my eye. I was curious so I decided to look through it.

It’s really interesting what people have to say. Especially because they say some of the same things that I’ve heard from friends and from myself.

Some people talk about how hard it is to find someone they like. Some talk about falling for friends and not knowing whether to make the first move. Some talk about not being ready to move on yet from their most recent serious relationship. Some tell them to just move on. Which I have to say is easier said than done. And some talk about losing friends after telling them how they feel. Interesting. It’s all really interesting.

What’s keeping me from dating? I don’t know. I don’t want to. Besides, I want to be friends first. It doesn’t have to be someone who’s a close friend, but it has to be someone I know for a little bit first. But you know what the problem with that is? Once I get in the friend zone, I can never seem to get out. That’s something I’ve learned this past year. Or at least something that I’ve observed.