mixxedemotions

there’s more and more people using tumblr. and this is something that i want to write about, but i don’t want to tell the whole world about it. even though my site isn’t private, it’s comforting to know that people might not know about this post and probably won’t read this. so here it goes:

i know for sure that i’m fine with being single right now. this whole thing about being complete and happy on my own without depending on someone else for my happiness is working out pretty well.

but that doesn’t mean i want to be single forever. just to clarify though, i don’t have crushes on anyone right now. or at least that’s what i’m telling myself. i’d say they’re more like…favorites.

what’s the difference between a crush and a favorite? with crushes, you usually have some expectations. and i realized that these expectations, no matter how small, are what may lead to feeling “crushed,” so my solution is to have favorites instead.

with favorites, you don’t have expectations. you don’t wait for an IM, a call, or a text. you don’t expect them to go to certain things or be at certain places. you don’t expect them to treat you differently from any other friends. you just appreciate spending time with them and being around them. you enjoy talking to them, but you don’t mind if there’s days when you don’t talk to them. they make you smile by just being themselves. they’re different from just any other friend, but not so much that you would consider them a crush. it’s that area that’s really hard to define. more than a friend, but less than a crush.

with a crush, you sometimes become hopeful. i don’t mean you’re hopeful that feelings are mutual. maybe it’s more accurate to say that you anticipate things more with crushes. you hope you’ll see them or talk to them. you hope you get to spend more time with them. these are the expectations that you don’t have with favorites.

when you start expecting things, there is a risk of favorites turning into crushes. there’s a risk of putting your heart on the line. there’s a risk of getting hurt. of course, there’s also a chance of things turning out better than you think. but what if you just want to be single for now? what if you don’t want to have a crush on anyone? what if you don’t want to deal with everything that comes with falling for someone yet?

that’s why i choose to have favorites instead of crushes. all the good memories without the risk of getting hurt. it’s working out so far. there was one point where i almost started to have expectations and almost cross that line between favorite and crush, but no worries. everything worked out.

besides, i don’t mind that the guys in my life are boy friends, at most. emphasis on the space between the words boy and friend. because, after all, i am just a girl friend to them. in other words, a friend that just happens to be a girl. when the time is right, and with the right person, the space won’t exist. instead of two friends who happen to be a boy and a girl, it’ll be two friends who happen to become boyfriend and girlfriend.

no rush. whoever it is can take their time. for now, i’ll just have favorites

Where are you now?
I’m trying to get by
With never knowing at all

What is the chance…
Of finding you out there?
Or do I have to wait forever?

“Where Are You Now?” - Michelle Branch

It feels weird having my heart feel so…free.

One of my first entries (“Key to My Heart”) when I started writing in this blog again was about how the key to my heart didn’t belong to anyone but me. In reality, the key still belonged to someone else. In fact, it was with more than one person. But regardless of how many people had the key to my heart, nobody wanted it.

I’m writing this entry now because I’ve found closure. Not all the closure that I wanted, but enough to make me feel better. At least one friendship that I thought was lost still exists. It may not be the same as before, but I’m content with where it’s at now. There is one person that I would still like to talk to and find closure with. But I think I’ve accepted the way things are at the moment and don’t mind waiting for the right time to discuss things. In fact, as time goes on, the need to actually have that discussion is less of a priority to me.

As far as the key to my heart, I’m not sure I want it to belong to just me like I said in my old post. Someone else has the key to my heart, but I haven’t found that person yet. That’s why I quoted Michelle Branch’s lyrics at the beginning of this post. I’ve grown so much this past year. And I’ve done it on my own. Of course, I’ve had friends and family, but I’ve become so much more independent and my self-confidence has improved greatly. Even though I can be strong on my own now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t mind being alone.

I want to find that special someone. I miss having a significant other. And I miss being cared about in that way.

I can’t wait to meet that person. Or if I’ve met them already, I can’t wait for us to realize that we’ve already found each other.

Actually, I can wait. But there are times when I feel impatient. Everything is so unpredictable right now. And without liking anyone specifically, it’s difficult to say what will happen in the future. And it’s difficult to say how soon or far in the future it will be when I do find him.

I miss being in love. They say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I want to love and be loved again.

So I didn’t want to update for the longest time, because the last post still sums up how I feel. The postcard said:

I wish I had the courage to walk up to you at graduation and say, “Good luck, I love you, and I’ll miss you everyday.” Please don’t forget me.

I thought I would have cried a lot over the past week just from being nostalgic. But I really haven’t cried. And I think it’s because it hasn’t really hit me. Or part of me still doesn’t want to believe that it’s almost over. I’ll still be here in the summer and an extra quarter. But it won’t be the same.

This year has been so fun and so memorable. And i’m grateful for that. But that makes it even harder to accept the fact that graduation is this week.

I have a 30-second speech at Pilipino Graduation, but I can only thank so many people. I won’t be able to thank everyone that I want to thank. And even then, I always have the feeling that a lot of my friendships mean more to me than they do to the other person, so I never really know how to show my appreciation.

I’m still debating on whether or not I want to write letters or do something special for the people that I really want to thank. I don’t know if I have time to do it by this week. And if I do it after this week, I feel like the timing won’t be right anymore.

What’s so different about graduating now and graduating from high school? My group of friends was small enough from high school that I knew I wouldn’t really be saying goodbye. This time, everyone’s going to go back to their respective hometowns. I don’t know when I’ll see them again. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to keep in touch, but things will still be different. And I know that things happen for a reason and friendships that are meant to last will last. But it’s still weird knowing that this is the last week that I’ll for sure see some people.

And it’s finals week too, so last week was actually the last regular week. And even though I’ve been taking pictures and everything, I think I’m just going through the motions without my emotions really coming through.